I love my daughter

[MIKE JONES]

This is hard for me to talk about but upon deployment I found out my wife had cheated on me with an aquiantance of mine. It was not once but a few times shortly after I left for depoyment. She got pregnant told me it was mine but she did not know for sure who's it was. I called her when I was in Kuwait she said she had a misscarriage but come to find out had an abortion, we will never know who's kid it was. I am trying to work it out for my daughter's sake cause she is everything to me. If I leave my wife I will never see my daughter with deployments and just staying in the service like I want because that is all I know and I have tried school it was not for me. My biggest fear is my daughter calling some one else daddy and hating me when she grows up because I am not around if I chose to do so. I really want to believe my wife has changed cause she didn't wipe out my accts or keep cheating on me till I got home like most of them do. We are seing marrige counseling and trying church. She seems sinscere but what is going to happen when my next deployment comes up here shortly. I have already set up stipulations of what she can and cannot do and she has agreed. We argue alot about the situation but everyday I come home and see my daughter I cannot leave. Now I catch myself feeling very vunarable for example if one of my friends that happens to be female were to show me a little affection or respect I dont know what I would do. I do not want to get back at my wife cause I would be no better than her and if we do split up she can bring it up to get me njpe'd. So I am trying you know & i have really have heard alot of advice but what I guess I am looking for is some better advice I have yet to hear and some prayers. Thanks guys

[zeeeman28]

Your situation INFURIATES me, and yer between a rock and a hard place I know. My brother in law is going through the same thing as you. It's hard when there is a 3 year old kid involved in his situation, but what REALLY made him happy after all the aggravation was getting rid of his wife, and moving on in that aspect, who did him wrong wayyyy too many times. He still gets to see his kid way more than he expected to and is happy in life again after dropping his cheating biatch of a wife.

[Wild Willy]

Maybe give her a chance to prove that she has changed- but keep your eyes open- worth a little more effort for the sake of the daughter- tough row to hoe, good luck-

[WartHog]

Mike,

Tough times for ya. Sounds like she's being sincere and wants to change. She must want to change not only for you and your daughter, but because she KNOWS what she did was wrong and not because she was caught. I believe people can change any behavior or lifestyle if they WANT to change and are doing it for the right reasons. I do feel like you guys are heading in the right direction in going to church. You both need to learn to forgive - You forgive her, she forgives herself. Jesus forgave us for EVERYTHING if we confess our sins and ask for forgiveness. Learn to pray together and ask God to help you with your trust issues. One more thing: having an affair on her IS the wrong thing to do. Do not allow yourself to be caught in any type of situation that may "allow" you to give in to temptation. YOU control your surroundings. Don't become a slave to your emotions.

God bless your family and my prayers are with you all.

Jim

[CamaroQueen]

I agree with Warthog. Life is not aways fair and sometimes people make mistakes. It has to be just as hard for her to know that you may never love or trust her the way you once did. Your feelings towards other women right now is normal. You are vulnerable to your own feelings but dont let them have the upper hand when it comes to the things you know are not right. Be strong ask God for strength and to help you thru this. The first thing that I commend you for is trying to work this out for your daughter's sake but remember that if it does not that you have not failed her. She is better off with her parents not together than growing up in a home where there is always fighting and no love between the two of you. Remember that children live what they learn. Dont teach her anything that you would want her to live thru as an adult. If after you have made a honest and hard effort to reconcile things and if it still seems useless then end the relationship and look towards getting custody of your daughter. Just because you are in the military does not mean you cannot be the custodial parent.

Good luck and if you need to talk always know that we are always here to help if you need us.

[camarokid94]

I can't provide much help here, but one thing I would like to say is, just because you are going to church does not mean anything (not saying Church is bad, beause it IS NOT). Alot of people go to church and say they are a christian because of the fact that they go to church, but yet they go back to their terrible sinful life styles everyday. Faith in Jesus is what you need, and of course go to church. My point is, don't just go to church and not think anything of it; put faith in jesus and ask God to help you and your wife with your marriage.

[Snair]

you are in a very tough situation obviously. when i was in the army i saw this happen way too many times. i dont know if i could ever trust her again regardless of some going to church. i know how much i love my kids and if my wife and i were to breakup my love for my kids would remain the same. i think based upon what you wrote about argueing your daughter is seeing stuff she doesnt need to see. i had a soldier that went through the same thing and when he went to court in class as the judge was sympathetic and awarded his soon to be former wife nothing zero. hopefully it all works out but not at the expense of your daughter.

[niknik]

Trust is an extremely hard thing to rebuild once it has been broken. Y'all seem to be on the right track. Keep up with the counseling and church...God can heal those wounds if you let Him.
Prayers being sent.

[MIKE JONES]

If I leave I will really never see my girl cause they would move to texas. I have forgiven her but not really. This thing is comsuming me it's all I think about I am on a verge of a nervous breakdown and depression taking all the meds and drinking. I think my heart is just preventing what is temporarily the enavadble me leaving my wife once my heart stops hurting.

[Brandon]

imo, there is nothing in the world that is worth losing your own child over. but you already know this. the way i see it, your real situation is between staying in the military, or being single. are you willing to stay with your wife after she cheated in order to stay in the military?

[Randy L]

Mike,
You either have forgiven her or not. Judging by the sentiments in your posts, you have not--and may never--forgive her. As said above, trust is crucial fo a marriage. Without trust, it is doomed.

None of us know your wife, but you do. Is she TRULY sincere? Is this the first time she's ever done something like this? You were betrayed and taken advantage of and this is a very hard thing to recover from. BUT...many marriages HAVE survived infidelity and have grown closer from it. BUT...it takes a HUGE leap of faith from the person who was cheated on---YOU.

If the stress is overcoming you, go make an appointment with the Life Skills clinic for some stress handling guidance. Get past the stigma of going to the clinic...you are NOT mentally ill.

You really NEED to be bringing your feelings and fears of the relationship out in the open so you and your wife and discuss it. Aside from trust, communication is vital to the success of a marriage.

If it ends up in divorce, make it a friendly and respectful one...it will be less stressful on your daughter. It can also have a big impact on your "ex wife" agreeing to some things she might normally be against.

I take it you are Air Force? If so, you should know your AEF windows for deployments. Work up a joint custody agreement so you'll have your daughter when you are not deployed.

[MIKE JONES]

First I am a Marine sorry not in the USAF. Well she did this with this person a few times so if she felt bad the first time like she told me why keep doing it. I dont think I will ever forgive her or trust her is just of matter of time of my heart letting go cause I still love her you know 4plus years together I cannot turn it off. I think evidentally it will end in divorce when she gets a job cause she does not have one right now and I dont want to imagine how my daughter will be raised cause I have always been the sole provider. But if I tell her now that it will end in divorce eventually she will leave to texas and I still want to see my daughter. I think I will tell my counsler tomorrow about these feelings about leaving her and ask his opinion I dont think he will give me one though. I do really think she is being sincere but then again I did trust her before I left on deployement that something like this would not happen. What I have found out is part of why she did do it is that some people around her put it in her head that I myself had not been faithful. When I confronted my wife if this was the reason why she did it she did not answer, then I knew that was part of her reason.

[Snair]

sorry it happened.

[Tony]

Dam bro, sorry to hear this. I can't even begin to think what it would be like losing my daughter. I was an over the road truck driver and just being away for a week was hard. I can't imagine what it's like being half way across the world and have something like this happen. I'm not sure how I would handle this one myself as I'm not going through it. But, if you don't think she will change then you know what you have to do. Trust me, if you do leave her, you will have a lot more pull in the courts than her just cause you are in the military and serving your country. She is the one that cheated on you and that hurts her as well. You will get full custody of your child when you are home, not her. Just from reading what you wrote about her and the feelings that you have, you do not trust her and don't want to trust her again. I hope you can work this out cause I was a child of a divorce and my father moved to Indiana and I didn't see him that much and then I lost him when I was 12. Me and my wife have been through a lot and have always found a way to work through them. One thing that I have found is that you ahve to be able to talk to eachother. I hope you two pull through this for your kid but if you can't, I'm sure that they will understand later in life.

[sujomatt]

Well I am pretty young but my parent have been divorced forever.. Since YOU were the one cheated on - i'd think if you filed for a divorce and went to court for custody you'd have the upper hand... by a lot. You are protecting and serving us, and it happened when you were... I honestly would not be able to forgive something like that.... good luck man - the right decision is the one that makes YOU happy.. i turned out alright from a broken home - if your daughter has to, im sure she will be alright as well.